i started this blog when i was 15 because i couldn't find a way to express what i was thinking to myself and to others. i used music to do this (and i still use music to do this, but other people's words are not my primary form of expression anymore). when i cared about someone or something and i didn't know how to say it in my own voice, i talked about a song, or made a mix. it's the closest thing to being religious that i can imagine – the ability to recognize yourself in other people, the humanity and centrality of emotional expression, connection and faith in something outside yourself.
but since 2005, i have gotten radically better at saying what i think and mean and believe and want. i have worked at this, and i am grateful for this – i am stronger in some ways. i have lost something, though. often i don't feel that same primacy of emotion when i listen to music. i feel it at other times: when i am talking to the people i love, when i am traveling, when i find myself in awe at the world. but when i hear a new song, i am not instantly grasped by it. it takes some courting, it takes some time, and i am more patient with my music. but this makes for kind of a difficult position in terms of blogging, since i can't find that instant reaction and flood of emotion that i used to experience. i've drifted away from posting at all, because my thoughts are less concrete, more nuanced in some ways and less expressible.
i still make mixes for others, and i produced a radio show until this past May. these are better venues for my thoughts on music. they are more open to interpretation, which is something i value, and they are more sociable and cooperative. until i come up with a compromise, this blog will likely be a bit dead. but don't think i'm not thinking and planning for a comeback.